Here are some amusing anecdotes.
I have credited the originator where known. But you know how many
times jokes go around !
My two and a half year old grandson lives with his mother. Her roommate also has a two and a half year old child, a daughter.
A few days ago they were playing together and my grandson noting that his playmate's stomach was exposed ,took his forefinger and poked her belly button.
She thought that this was great and they both had a laugh about it.
Sometime later his playmate raised her arms inviting my grandson to poke her belly button again.
As he moved his forefinger toward her for a repeat performance, she suddenly lowered her arms, backed away and said, "No! I have a headache."
Little Old Lady in court......
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!
Why I am about to do gaol time!!!
I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted
her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice... it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered.
I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt, a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout, "NOOOO!" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes...yes I did, thanks."
"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the supermarket.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
"And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps."
A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shop keeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You! Vacationers! Come in! Come into my humble shop!"
So they walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sexgod he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make me any better than I am?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. Something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "DE WRONG FEET! DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the World."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who's this 'Camilla Parker Bowles'?"
A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 km/hr, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a PoliceCar behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said,"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.
They all have a severe stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
"Th th th th three pi pi pi..........." says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui gui........"
Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th......................"
"Oh bugger this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th three pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th...........".
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet? "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you shag me!"
Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.
"Where do you live?"
"M M M M Man Man Manch."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.
"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
"No. You lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh Bugger!" says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke he suddenly screams out ".......D D D Derry!!"
22 Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar
1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.
15. a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
18. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
19. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
20. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
21. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
22. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
25. Avoid cliche's like the plague
A shoe salesman, who had grown tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. He had passed the exam, and gone through the rigorous training that police departments require.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover.
As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.
What a relief!
Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 16-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"
She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!!"
For several years a man trained his dog to tell jokes and sing songs.
One day he was able to get the dog his first break--a spot on the David Lettermam show. When the dog came on stage, however, he froze and didn't say a word.
On the way home, the man scolds his dog.... " You know, we had a shot at stardom and you go and blow it! What happened to you out on that stage anyway?"
"I couldn't see the darn cue cards," growled the dog.
CHARLIE SAYS: "Daddy, how was I born?"
DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.
"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That asshole had $500 in quarters!"
A Wall-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends each flight.
There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. A woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband......
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs. She goes on up.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. She goes on up.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow" so she goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads.
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!"
So she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted but she goes to the sixth floor and sign reads:
Floor6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on thisfloor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at Wall-Mart's Husband Store. Have a nice day
Animals have the Darndest Thoughts
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must
continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
The storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain,"You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."