little Johnny

"I'm ashamed of you," Little Johnny's mother said.  "Fighting with
your best friend is a terrible thing to do."

"He threw a rock at me!"  the boy said.  "So I threw one at him."

"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

"What good would that have done?" Little Johnny replied, "My aim is
much better than yours."




"Little Johnny & The Goat"

Teacher hears Johnny cussing, so she gets
ticked off and goes complaining to Johnny's
father. She comes to Johnny's house and
suddenly notices Johnny doing a goat in the yard.

She walks in the house and screams to his
father "Your son! Your son! He cussed in the
school and now, now he's being carnal with
a goat in the yard!"

The father is furious and starts shouting,

"That son of a bitch! Today is my turn!"



One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing
staring at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The
young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so
the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque
he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, not taking his eyes
off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are
all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.  Little
Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"



Lil' Johnny on Politics
  
    Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is
   politics?" Dad says, "Well
    son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
   breadwinner of the family,
    so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the
   administrator of the money, so
    we'll call her the Government. We're here to take
   care of your needs, so
    we'll call you The People. The nanny- well,
   consider her The Working
    Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The
   Future. Now go think about
    this and see if it makes sense."
  
    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about
   what Dad has said. Later
    that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
   runs to his room only to
    find that his diapers are very soiled. So the
   little boy goes to his
    parents room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to
   wake her, he goes to the
    nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks
   through the peephole and
    sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up
   and goes back to bed.
  
    The next morning, the little boy says to his
   father, "Dad, I think I
    understand what politics is now."
  
    "Good son, tell me in your own words then what
   politics are."
  
    The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is
   screwing the Working
    Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People
   are being ignored and
    the Future is in deep shit."




"Thanksgiving - Serving Turkey"

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the
farm, and when they come to the corral, he
explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's
serving her."

A little later on, they saw horses.  The Grandpa
said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving
her, too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated
and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa
and said,"Will you please serve the turkey?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does,
I'm eating a hamburger!"



One day the teacher asked the children in class to give 
examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in 
one's mouth."

The teacher says "that is correct, but why?"

Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my mom always 
tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"



A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a 
cigarette.  "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke."

Johnny looks up but says nothing.

"How old are you?"

"Six," Johnny says.

"Six?  When did you start smoking?"

"Right after the first time I got laid."

"Right after the first time you got laid?  When was that?"

Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk."



Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled
him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50
to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.



Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making 
a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the 
next two hours.  I sure would like a piece of cake when 
you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, 
Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece 
around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing 
first!"



A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her 
class about the value of being observant and said, "Now 
children, look at the clock; what does the clock have that I 
have too?"

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I 
haven't got?"

After a long silence, little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't 
got no pendulum, Miss."

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of
December.  Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things
that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled
with illusion, I wrote you my letter.  I asked for a bicycle, an
electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year.  Not only was I the
first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire
neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my
brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors.  I would go on errands,
and even help the elderly cross the street.  There was virtually
nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid whistle
and a pair of socks.  What the f**k were you thinking, you fat son of
a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole f**king year to
come out with some shit like this under the tree.  As if you hadn't
f**ked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so
many toys that he can't even walk into his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my
chimney next year.  I'll f**k you up.  I'll throw rocks at those
stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to
the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you
didn't get me that f**king bike.  F**K YOU SANTA.  Next year you'll
find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

       Sincerely,
       Little Johnny



Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher 
brought around cookies for snack time.  "Here, Little Johnny, 
have a cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother 
and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.

When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her 
hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.

As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here 
Little Johnny.  It's time for your cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, 
"See? Did you hear what he said?"

"So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mom?"

"To make myself beautiful," she answered.  She then began 
to remove the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" Johnny started.  "Giving up?"

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a 
result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother 
after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the 
office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the 
kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, 
giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny 
came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, 
who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, 
Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

WHAT BOYS DON'T KNOW CAN SCARE THEM

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously 
scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed.

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a 
day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as 
bad as my sister's."

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'indefinitely' in a
sentence. Little Johnny's hand immediately shoots up. But the
teacher is worried about how he will answer, so she calls on
Bobby.

Bobby replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled
indefinitely."

"Good," the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has
been stopped indefinitely."

"OK, class," the teacher says as she surveys the room, "let's
have one more example."

Little Johnny is waving his hand saying, "Ohh! Me! Me!"

And the teacher thinks that maybe he has a good answer and
calls on him.

Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against
her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!"

Mom asked Little Johnny if he had enjoyed his school's field trip.

"Yeah, it was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, and f**kers."

Mom said, "Uh, fine, fine. I know what sheep, horses and goats are,
but what is a f**ker?"

Johnny aid, "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk."

Mom said, "But who said they were called, er, f**kers?"

Johnny replied, "That was our teacher. Well actually she called them
'effers,' but we all knew what she meant."

Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework:
"Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son
of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch...'"

"Johnny !" shouted her mother. "Watch your language! You're
not allowed to use the swearwords".

"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us,
and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."

Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain.

"Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them.
They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "

LITTLE JOHNNY'S TRIP TO THE FARM

Mom asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the trip.

"Yes, it was great -- we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers."

Mom: "Er, fine, fine.  I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is 
a fucker?"

Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk."

Mom: "But who said they were called, er, fuckers?"

Johnny: "That was our teacher.  Well, actually she called them "effers," 
but we all knew what she meant."

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a 
lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and 
showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins 
with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!

THREE SYLLABLE WORDS

Miss Sally's class was learning about 3 syllable words.  One morning she 
asked her students to think of a 3 syllable word and use it in a sentence.

Little Johnny was the first one to raise his hand, but, Miss Sally called 
on Alan.

"Beautiful," said Alan, "My teacher is beautiful."

"Thank you, Alan." said Miss Sally.  "Does anybody else have a word?"

Little Johnny is now waving both hands in the air, but, the teacher calls 
on Elizabeth.  "Wonderful," says Elizabeth, "My teacher is wonderful."

"Thank you, Elizabeth.  Does anyone else have a word?"

By this time Little Johnny was jumping up and down and waving his hands 
wildly.  "Okay, Johnny, what is your word?"

Little Johnny stands up and very proudly states, "Urinate."

"Johnny!" gasps Miss Sally.

"Urinate, but if your tits were bigger you would be a ten."

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Humour

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