little Johnny

I have credited the originator where known. But you know how many times jokes go around !

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December.

Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree.

As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA.

Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF- A-BITCH.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No maam," he replied...

"We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"

SPICE GIRLS

Little Johnny was watching TV with his father while his mother prepared the dinner in the kitchen.

After a while Little Johnny wanders into the kitchen and asks his mother, "Mommy, are the Spice Girls robots?"

"No, dear they aren't, why do you ask?"

"Well, Daddy just said that he'd like to screw the ass off the black one."

BLOWJOB, FIVE DOLLARS

Little Johnny is walking downtown and a girl calls to him, "blowjob, five dollars."

He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking.

The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "mom, what's a blowjob?"

His mom replies, "five dollars, just like downtown!"

INDIFFERENT

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says, "yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely'. Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

Little Johnny asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."

"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny thanked her and went back to his search.

A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I just can't find it." he said.

"What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked.

Replied Little Johnny, "Tequila Mockingbird."

BUYING CONDOMS

While purchasing some condoms, Little Johnny remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."

"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"

"That wouldn't make much sense," said Little Johnny. "They're the gift wrapping."

Johnny appeared as a witness in a lawsuit. The attorney asked, "Where were you on the night of July 10?"

"Your Honor, I object," yelled the counsel for the defense.

"That's all right, go ahead and ask me," said Johnny. The prosecutor repeated the question and again the defense objected.

"Hey. Why shouldn't he ask me?" said Johnny. "I'll answer."

The judge said, "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the attorney again repeated the question, So the attorney again repeated the question, "Where were you on the night of July 10?"

Johnny said, "I don't know."

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

Little Johnny and his father ran a one-mule farm and barely eked out a living.

One day, Little Johnny hit the lottery, winning $50,000. He burned rubber into town, collected his money, and left more rubber all the way back home, where he told his father the good news and handed him a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Little Johnny, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women or frivolous things. In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."

"Pa!" Little Johnny exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"

"Sure do," said his father, fingering the fifty-dollar bill, "and a damn cheap one too!"

Little Johnny returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, Little Johnny produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

Little Johnny paints a sign: WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME; then tells his buddy Roy to get his fire-wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Little Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.

Kathy, across the street, is not to be outdone: Her sign says WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL; tells Nellie to get her fire-wagon and both sit in Kathy's yard.

Johnny's pissed. How DARE that GIRL? Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy across the street. "Let's get some laughs."

Johnny asked Kathy, "Say, you move ANYTHING?"

"Sure, Johnny. Give me a nickle and I'll prove it to you."

Johnny hands her a nickle. Kathy then says, "So, what do you want moved, Johnny?"

"Ha! I want you to move my BOWELS!" Johnny starts cracking up laughing.

Kathy thinks for a few seconds. She then turns to Nellie and softly says, "Here, Nellie, hold this nickle while I beat the shit out of this kid."

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma," exclaimed Johnny, "there's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Ten year old Little Johnny and his mother were waiting in a dentist's office, talking about treatments for the boy's painful tooth, when the dentist entered the room.
The dentist asked, "Well, Son, which one's the troublemaker?"
Without hesitation, Little Johnny replied, "My brother!"

The farmer was disturbed when he found out his son, Little Johnny, was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.
"Little Johnny, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So Little Johnny went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, he found Little Johnny choking the chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!"
"I know Paw," Little Johnny replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!

TEACHING BOYS TO PEE
Mister Foggybottom was instructing a kindergarten grade class of little boys on how to go to the bathroom.
He Gave them the following instructions:
One - unzip your zipper
Two - pull your peepee out
Three - stroke the skin back
Four - take a pee
Five - stroke the skin forward
Six - put it away and zip up the zipper
So the boys go to do their thing and return a few minutes later. Mister Foggybottom asks the boys, "where is Johnny?"
One of the boys replies "he's still in the bathroom."
Mr. Foggybottom goes down the hall to the boy's restroom and hears Little Johnny saying "three, five, three, five, three, five..."

The 1st grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause.
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says, "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first....'JOHNNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

JOHNNY'S ENGLISH CLASS
The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New Your City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was Fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain."
The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."
She calls on Little Johnny in the back. "Johnny?"
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."

LITTLE JOHNNY'S MOUTH
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

MAKE IT BETTER
Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it and make it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers "by fur Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right Mary but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me Miss!" "Me Miss!"
The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin Miss?"
The teacher replies... "Not quite right either Peter... Anyone else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKS MOM
Little Johnny was watching his mother in the bath and pointing to the slit between her legs asked, "What's that, mommy?"
His mom, a little surprised, said, "That's where daddy hit me with the axe."
"Good shot," said Johnny, "right in the cunt!"

Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 14-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.
He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex. The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."
So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"
"Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

BILL CLINTON'S LEGACY TO THE KIDS A little, Johnnie, and a little girl, Suzie, were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked, "Hey Johnnie, do you wanna get undressed? We could play Doctor."
Johnnie replied, "That's too old fashioned. Spit out your gum! Let's play President!"

Little Suzy then said "I definitely will eat lunch today."
Little Johnny shot up his hand and yelled, "Teacher, teacher, do farts have chunks?"
The teacher then said, "No Johnny they don't."
"Then teacher," proclaimed little Johnny, "I definitely shit my pants!"

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the log once again, again the fly didn't fly away.
This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened.
Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.
"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. So the two women sipped their tea happily while having lunch and chit-chatted.
Afterwards, when her friend had left, Little Johnny's mother talked to him.
"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" his mother asked.
"Ma, I couldn't find it, so I used the fly swatter." replied Johnny.
His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added, "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny answered.
"I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.
"Sorry, but they ain't here."
"Little Johnny!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"
"Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again!"

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

Mortgage payments
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, "And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"

A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living:
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas, and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead.", After his temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room.
He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Johnny.
Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours Truly, Johnny.
Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Johnny.
Well, Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which was what his mother really wanted.He knew he had been terrible and deserving of almost nothing.
He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about, depressed because of the way he treated his parents, and he really considered his actions.
He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.
Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. He finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.

Little Johnny came home from school and said to his mother, "Mom I've got a problem."
"What is it?" she asked.
He said that the boys at school are using two words he didn't understand. She asks what they were. He said, "Pussy and bitch."
She replied, "Oh that's no big deal; pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
Little Johnny thanked her and went to visit dad in the workshop, down in the basement. Johnny began, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom, but I don't think she told me right.
His dad replied, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"
Little Johnny said, "Pussy and bitch."
His dad pulled a Playboy from the shelf, took a marker and circled the pubic area of the centrefold. "Son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?" asked Johnny.
His wise father replied, "Everything outside that circle."

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away.
She was out all night asking if anyone had seen her dog. After looking and finding her dog, she went home. The next morning she met Little Johnny who said that he had seen a stray dog. The dog he described matched hers exactly.
Upon finding out this information she asked Little Johnny, "You have you seen my Titswiggle?"
Little Johnny said, "No, but can that be my reward?"

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

HORSIE RIDE
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "How come you didn't keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Johnny and Suzy have almost nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.
"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That's way too scary."
"No, it's not," says Johnny, "it'll be fun!" And he proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."
Suzy still isn't quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary."
"No, it's not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it's the best!" urges Johnny.
Well, little Suzy isn't one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom. Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail.
When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.
"Maybe you'd better let me see," suggests Little Johnny.
So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny's face goes pale white.
"OH, NO!" he shouts. "THIS IS HORRIBLE! YOU KNOCKED IT RIGHT OFF!!"

Little Johnny (to friend): "You know, Jane Smith CHEATS!"
Friend: "Why do you say that?"
Johnny: "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out SHE HASN'T GOT ONE!"

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts.
His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.
The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

"The Truth"
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

Little Johnny goes to school on Monday morning wearing the biggest, shiniest watch/chronometer on his wrist that there ever was. His best mate Billy says to him "Where'd ya get THAT from ... is it your birthday?"
"Nah" says Johnny, "I just barged into Mum and Dad's bedroom when they were moaning and groaning and the bed was makin' all this noise. Dad shouted at me to get out, but I said no, so he said if I went away he'd buy me any watch I wanted. That's how I got it."
Billy has a think about this and plots to do the same when he gets home. Later that night, after he'd gone to bed, sure enough he hears moaning and groaning from his parents room ... and the bed sounded like it was going to BURST. Up he gets, trots along to the noisy bedroom and throws open the door to see his naked Dad bouncing up and down on top of his naked Mum.
"What do YOU want" barks his Dad
"I wanna watch" says Billy defiantly
"OK" says his Dad, "sit over there, but keep quiet".

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.

LOVE THY TEACHER
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," he said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat?
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers "By fur Miss?"
The teacher replies "Not quite right Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin Miss?"
The teacher replies..."Not quite right either, Peter... anybody else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.
"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

The kindergarten teacher with a new class thought that the kids should tell each other something about their families.
Said little Johnny, "Well, Miss, my Dad has two penises!"
"Don't be silly, Johnny, that's just not possible."
"It's true, Miss," he persisted. "He's got a little one he does wees out of, and he's got a really big one that he cleans Mummy's teeth with!"

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbour. They are going to get married.
His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny: "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"
He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do OK."
His father says, "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"
Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky!"

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that" she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know either" said Johnny, "but when my sister said she missed one this morning, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted and the guy next door shot himself."

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"

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