Little Johnny

A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny holding a list.

"Lady," Johnny explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy

"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

"Little Johnny, what does your Daddy do for a living?", the teacher asked.

Johnny answered, "My Daddy is a dildo maker and he says my mommy is a test pilot."

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.   Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

   Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

   Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.   You'll need to support Jenny."

   Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

   By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

   Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

   Mr. Smith doesn't think the little *&#@ is adorable anymore.

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven.

At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.

"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."

A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase pistol too.

Little Jimmy raised his hand, and after being recognized, said "The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful indian companion and his pistol too".

Very good says the teacher.

Little Johnnie raised his hand, and after being called on said, "Down at our house we make homebrew, drink till twelve and piss till two."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No maam," he replied..........We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump,

and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

Baby with No Ears

Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately the baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the new parents invited Little Johnny's family over to see the new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbours home Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands, and perfect little feet. Why just look at his pretty little eyes...Did the doctor say he can see good?"

The mother said a bit bewildered, "Why yes...the doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, 'cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!!"

Little Johnny is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.

"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"

"It's mean!", Little Johnny sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!"

"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your father is a real bastard!"

"Yes", said Little Johnny, "He had promised me that I could do it."

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own damn business!"

Johnny was at his first day of school.

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my grandma wouldn't lie."

One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."

The teacher says "That is correct, but why?"

Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my Mom always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"

A nun taking Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs".

The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'O God I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted.

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate".

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

One day little Johnny's teacher was teaching the class about agriculture. To help with this, she was showing pictures of farm equipment. She puts up the first picture, "What is this a picture of class?" she asks.

Little Suzy puts up her hand and Johnny sticks up his hand. Of course, the teacher just knows that Johnny has something dirty in mind and picks Suzy."What is this Suzy?".

"Its a rake".

"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" she asks and points at the next picture. Johnny's hand shoots up and, little Anne politely puts up her hand, and once again the teacher ignores little Johnny.

"That's a pitchfork" says little Suzy.

"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" The teacher asks once more. Dead silence, only one student has their hand up, and of course its little Johnny.

Seeming as though no one else was volunteering, the teacher asked Johnny. "OK Johnny, what is this?".

All of a sudden Johnny realizes he doesn't know the answer. "UH, UH, its a shovel, yeah, it's a shovel."

"No Johnny, this isn't a shovel, this is a hoe".

"What?!?! My sister's a hoe and she doesn't look nutin' like that!"

The doorbell rang again. Little Johnny answered it and there was a man standing there. "Hello little boy" said the man "Is your mother at home?"

"Yes she is" said Little Johnny. "May I tell her who is here?"

"I'm from the Jehovah's Witnesses." the man replied "Maw!" called Little Johnny turning toward the back of the house, "It's that Fuller Shit man again"

The Teacher asked "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"

Mary answered "A chicken gives eggs!"

The teacher then asked "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"

And Paul answered "A goat gives goat milk"

And finally the teacher asked "Well now who can tell me what the cow gives?"

And Little Johnny replied "Homework"

The Importance of Listening

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "passionate embrace".

Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly . . .

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAY GROUND AND DADDY AND ....."

Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.

So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy . . "

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight".

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, the laying down on the seat, and . .

"then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!

A third grade school teacher was trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural.

She said, "What is it if one woman looks out a window?"

Little Charlotte said, "Singular."

"Very good," said the teacher. "What is it if three women are looking out of a window?"

Little Johnny mumbled just loud enough for all to hear, "A whorehouse."

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mommy what's that?"

Somewhat flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge."

Content with her answer off he goes...Later he runs into the livingroom and asks "Mommy may I play with your sponge?"

Again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it." O.K. this pacifies him and back out to play.

Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge."

Confused tha mother asks "You did and where did you find it?"

Johnny proudly stated "The maids got it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."

Mrs. Taylor, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.

Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"

Little Johnny's mother is taking a bath, having recently been discharged from hospital where she had an operation, and they all shaved off her pubic hair.

Johnny comes into the bathroom as she's drying off and asks her what happened to the hair.

"I've lost my sponge" she replies and sends Johnny out to play.

A few moments later, Johnny returns and tells his mother he thinks he's found her sponge.

"Oh really," his mom asks. "Where is it?"

Johnny answers, "The lady next door is washing daddies face with it"

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked,

"Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator.

One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.

The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny.

Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"

Suzy is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home right now to her mother, and she will explain what happened.

On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school. Little Johnny asks Suzy "Where are you going?"

"I'm going home because I'm bleeding," says Suzy.

"Where ya bleeding?" asks Little Johnny.

So Suzy pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him.

Little Johnny steps back in horror and says,"Who ripped your penis off?"

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"

Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"

The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"

And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"

And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"

And Little Johnny replied, "Homework!"

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up one finger if you have to pee pee, and hold up two fingers if you have to make ka ka. The morning went fine as the children understood the system for going to the bathroom.

Mid-day, in the back of the classroom, little Johnny started to shout, " Teacher!, Teacher!...Quick give me a number..I have to fart!"

A Moment With The Preacher...

One Sunday morning, the preacher noticed little Billy was staring up at the plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly: "Good morning, Billy."

"Good morning, Preacher," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died while in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque.

Little Billy's voice was barely audible when he asked: "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:00?"

Little Johnny's brother is nearing the end of his senior year in high school, unfortunately he still has to share a room with Little Johnny who is about 5 or 6.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother, Johnny is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.

Then Little Johnny chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"

The teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Little Johnny, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Little Johnny, since you're Jewish, I guess your family doesn't celebrate Christmas."

Little Johnny replied, "Oh yes, we do. We all hold hands and dance around the cash register singing, 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'"

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:

"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:

"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William

Snakeshit...Horseshit...Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"

Little Johnny, stuttering, asked his mom, "Mmmama why I tttalk like ttthis"

She replied, "I don't know ask your dad."

Little Johnny went to his dad and asked, "Dddad why I tttalk like ttthis!"

His father said, "I don't know ask your sister."

So Little Johnny asked his sister and she said she didn't know.

Little Johnny was in the yard kicking rocks when the postman walks up.

Little Johnny asked, "MMMr. why I tttalk like ttthis!"

The postman replied, "BBBoy ggget away fffrom me bbbefore I ggget in tttrouble!!!

Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching about the 4 basic food groups. Johnny asks "What food group does light bulbs fall into.

His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they don't fall into any food group"

Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his Dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little johnny to drop the subject, but he just would not let it go.

He said "I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad tell my Mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!"

THE ICE CREAM MAN

"Dad, gimme a dollar" said little Jimmy.

"Not today, sonny, not today."

"Dad, if you give me a dollar, I'll tell you what the ice cream man said to mama this morning."

"Here son -- quick ... what did he say?"

"He said, 'Lady, what kind of ice cream would you like today?"

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "I don't want to hear that language in here again."

After a moment, she thought she whispered aloud, "At least he doesn't know what it means."

"I do, too," Johnny corrected. "It means the car won't start�

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."

A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and said, "Now children, look at the clock; what does the clock have that I have too?"

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands."

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"

After a long silence, little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."

Little Johnny was talking to his father about Suzy. "She sure is pretty, I wish I knew how to get her to pay attention to me," he said. "She never says anything to me, I don't think she knows I'm alive."

"Well," his father responded, "the best way to get her attention is to go up to her and pay her a compliment. Try saying something nice about her clothing, and she will remember you fondly. Ask her where she got it, that is a sure bet to start a conversation with a pretty girl."

The next day Little Johnny saw Suzy on the playground. "Hey Suzy," he said, "that is sure a pretty sweater you are wearing. Where'd you get one with the knobs on it?"

Without blinking an eye she replied, "The same place you got your pants with the gear shift."

LITTLE JOHNNY LATE ONE NIGHT

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.

"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.

His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son. "I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.

Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"

Little Johnny is bored one Saturday, so he says to his dad, "Dad, I'm bored. What is there to do?"

His dad decides to have a little fun with Johnny, so he gives him four quarters, and says, "Why don't you go to the drug store and get me somewhat has what?"

Baffled but excited, Johnny scampers down the street to the drug store.

He asks the druggist for some "what's what," and at first the druggist is confused, until he guesses that this kid has been sent out on a wild goose chase.

He replies, "We don't have any, but that building over there might." The druggist points towards a whorehouse. Johnny, again excited, runs over to the whorehouse. He knocks on the door, and a naked women answers. He says, "I need some...hey, what's that?", pointing to her privates.

"What's what?" she replies.

Satisfied, Johnny says, "I'll take a dollar's worth!"

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher's pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby . . . if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think I can!"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said,"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised and hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy.

Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, mydaddy told me this story about my Aunt Bev.

Aunt Bev. was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?

"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Bev. when she's been drinking."

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!"